Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Week - Part 2

August 15th started like any other working Saturday (I'm a nurse so this happens fairly regularly). Around 8am, I started spotting. I had been told many times "Don't worry about spotting. It's normal." So I forced myself to keep going with caring for others while my heart was trying not to freak out. I thought I was in the clear because it didn't happen again until about 6pm.  The last hour and a half of my shift, I began cramping and I knew enough to be worried. I let Nate know to be praying and tried calling my mom twice. She didn't answer. So I spent my 8 minute drive home in sobs, just me and God.  I remember at a specific intersection out loud saying "God please don't let me lose my baby!!! ... But if not, You are still good."  Nate was not supposed to be home that night but his plans had fallen through.  So when I walked through the door and fell to my knees, he was right there with his arms around me.  I eventually was able to breathe again and get down a little bit of dinner. I told him I would call the doctor in the morning if I continued spotting or if the bleeding got heavy.  I fell asleep on the couch and before heading to bed about 10pm the second became reality.  My doctor was not working the weekend, but out of the nine physicians in the office, the one who was on-call happened to be the only other one who knew me personally.  The voice that answered my call was a person who cared about me more than just a patient. He told me to head to the ER.

So Nate drove me to my hospital.  Two of the nurses who cared for me had previously worked on my floor, more people with familiar faces and a personal care. The PA assigned to me was actually a friend of mine from college. We studied all our pre-requisite sciences together so I knew he knew his stuff. I was glad I was in the ER during a scary moment with a low blood pressure and severe cramping.  Nate had his hand on me every moment and the ER staff were efficient and caring.  Finally, the doctor came in with my ultrasound results.

There was no longer any sign of pregnancy. As soon as he walked out, the flood of tears came.  What just happened?! Our baby! Our dream! I couldn't process anything but the fact that my baby was gone. Sometime during the last few hours, my baby had left me.

We got home about 4am and slept heavy (probably a combo of trauma and morphine).  The next day is kind of a blur.  I couldn't function. I could hardly pick up my phone. Only our parents knew we had been in the ER the night before and Nate took it upon himself to text each person who knew we were pregnant.  "Lift us up to the Lord today. We had a miscarriage late last night. Jana's not ready to see anyone but texts are good. Thankful for your support." Lift us up and support they did! Friends would write me but I felt like I was seriously incapacitated.  I was either watching a movie (Insurgent and Frozen) or in tears all day. It was THE hardest 24 hours of my life. I was grieving a precious life lost. I was grieving all my hopes and dreams about my baby and our future together.

What was it that got me through? How can I have joy during this trial? How can I feel blessed when my dreams just disappeared? I want to share with you the way God helped me answer each one of those.

God used my husband. Nate loved me so perfectly through it all, looking for anything he could do to care for me, emotionally or tangibly. As people offered "anything you need" he would think of ways for people to love us through.  He prayed with me in the ER and in my overwhelming tears.  He cried with me and allowed himself to sit in emotions he could have tucked away (being an internal processor) for my sake, because I needed it. He later bought me a remembrance ring, "simple and precious." He took me away to the beach the following weekend before I went back to work. I was so humbled by his Christ-like, sacrificial, and selfless love for me.  If you are a husband reading this and ever have to walk through this, please call him.

The sermon  the week before (video here) was on Acts 25 and posed the question "How do we remain faithful despite our circumstances?" Answer: God is faithful to fulfill His promises. I spent that week processing "What are the promises He will fulfill? Which ones are hard to trust? What are expectations I have that He hasn't promised?" The specific promises highlighted were His promises of peace (Philippians 4:6-7), victory over sin (1 John 1:9, 1 Cor. 10:13), provide for my needs (Matt. 6:31-33), and His presence (Hebrews 11:6). Do you see where this is going? God basically handed me a book (Bible) and said "Pay attention! You're going to need this." And don't we all?! His promises are truth. They may not look the way we think but He IS faithful to fulfill them and I'm going to tell you how He has in my story.

He promises that He is merciful always.

I don't know for sure but I take comfort in the idea that maybe He was merciful in saving my baby a lifetime of a torturous disease or who knows what.

He promises in Psalm 147:3 "You heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds." He not only cares about the hurts in my heart but He promises to heal and fill the empty hole.  He promises to "exchange my spirit of heaviness for a garment of praise" (Isaiah 61:3). Psalm 18 promises that He hears my cries. He is my rock, refuge, comfort. HE will rescue me. He is merciful. His way is perfect.

In Isaiah 43, although God is sending Israel out into exile with pain and suffering He tells them "But now, thus says the Lord your creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you O Israel"

Wow! Guys do you understand how badly I needed that?! He isn't going to let me drown or burn. I'm precious to Him. Wow!

While a friend was over for lunch later that week, she was sharing 1 Timothy 4:17 "but the Lord stood with me and strengthened me (not just for my sake) so the gospel will go out from me." He promises to stand with and strengthen me so I can glorify Him when I really feel like falling apart.

In my previous post, I shared I had been meditating on Psalm 139.  Not only does that passage praise God for creating but also knowing our days.  "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  I found such peace in knowing God did not have one more day planned out for my child that didn't happen.  He didn't have some alternate plan with a gender reveal party, a delivery, or a college graduation that failed. He knew each day! My baby didn't miss out on something that was planned that didn't happen. HE KNEW!

Last Christmas I wrote out Isaiah 9:6 on a chalkboard and have it hanging in my hallway.  A few days after our loss, I looked at it and was amazed. These are all names of God that I experienced that week.

He is faithful to give us His presence. I had a friend text me John 14:25-27. God has given us the Holy Spirit THE Comforter to remind me of His faithfulness and bring peace.  He also faithfully brings His presence through people.  I truly believe He placed the on-call doctor, the nurses and the PA (who prayed with us that night) who I had personal relationships with to care for me as a way of telling me "I'm here with you. You are not alone." I can't tell you the comfort each of their faces brought me.

I could feel His presence as His children, The church, our family, our community showered His love on us when we had nothing to return. I was overwhelmed and humbled.  Do you ever wonder what to say or text someone when they are hurting or grieving? Well I wish my friends would give lessons. One of the things I was told that had the biggest impact on me was "I am crying with you." These people loved my baby too! I wasn't alone in my grief. They didn't just feel sad for me, they cared so much their hearts were broken.  People offered to just BE WITH me. My mom came and stayed with me when Nate went back to work.  My dear friends found babysitters so they could be available to just sit and listen.

I will never know the power of the humbling amount of prayers I received.  Sometimes prayer feels like "the least I can do." But it felt so tangible. To know that those who loved me were holding me up to the only One who could heal my heart. It was very encouraging receiving specific prayers.   "I am praying this for you today." For example, one friend was praying Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit"

"Lord I lift up my Jana to you...and her heart and her sweet lil one that is with you Lord and we thank you for the things you give and you take away...We praise you because you are a good God even amidst the things that happen that leave us searching for you....We trust that you are all sovereign and all knowing and love us intimately and PERFECTLY! Please comfort her heart...Lord I ask for her to see and understand the peace from you that surpasses all our understandings...Lord thank you for your love, and I pray for your comfort in this time for Jana and Nate. We ask all this in your perfect name father, Amen"

Texts included scripture (most of which I mentioned above) and songs and pointed me to God's promises. They pointed me to things that were true.

People loved us practically too in so many unique ways. On day one, I received cookie dough and wine. We received meals for a week and I think someone dropped off coffee without fail (they know my addiction).  A friend brought me her entire chick flick collection just to make me smile. Those little ones that call us auntie and uncle made us cards.

My mom and sister came and we got our nails done.

Some friends came over for dinner and before leaving their 7 year-old daughter wrapped her arms around me and whispered "I'm sorry about your baby" and then gave me a second hug and said "That's for your baby." Oh how i want to imagine my baby in God's arms receiving that hug and so many my arms want to give.

When a wonderful friend dropped off a lovely orchid on my doorstep, God reminded me of Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time" and in Matthew 6 where Jesus talks about how He gives everything a flower needs for it to be beautiful.  He knows me intimately and was giving me EXACTLY what I needed to heal.

Music helped me process and meditate on God's promises in a different and powerful way.  A phrase from Great is Thy Faithfulness was such comfort, "Grace for today and a bright hope for tomorrow."  I felt like I was living that. I needed His grace to continue breathing. I would make it through today and with that, I had hope that tomorrow I would be a bit stronger, a hope that someday he would fill the emptiness I felt.  About a month later, we visited a dear friend who said after hearing of our loss we were so on his heart that he felt called to write a worship song.  The words special and incredible don't really do it justice. "While we wait we will praise, while we wait we will raise our hands to You. I believe in the One the Word calls good, the One who loves as a father should, whose plans far exceed my own."
Here is my comfort playlist:

• Never Once// Matt Redman "Never once did we ever walk alone, Never once did You leave us on our own, You are faithful, God you are faithful"
• Forever Reign// Hillsong "The riches of Your love will always be enough"
• 1000 Reasons// Matt Redman "The sun comes up its a new day dawning, its time to sing your song again."
• It is Well with My Soul
• Great is Thy Faithfulness "Grace for today and a bright hope for tomorrow."
• Take the World, But Give Me Jesus// Ascend the Hill
• Hallelujah! What a Savior// Ascend the Hill "Man of sorrows, what a name, for the Son of God who came"
• I Will Follow// Jon Guerra "In the good things and in the hardest part, I believe and I will follow you." 
• Need You Now// Plumb "How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this?" How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh I need you now"
• Lord, I Need You Now// Matt Maher "And when I cannot stand I'll fall on you"
• Christ is Enough// Hillsong Worship
• Sovereign Over Us// Aaron Keys

Verse 1 from Sovereign Over Us

Remember how on August 18 we were supposed to have an ultrasound and then post our announcement pictures?  Well, I was told to keep the appointment but now it was a follow-up ultrasound.  I had just 3 days earlier been filled with excitement to see my baby's form and movement but the ultrasound showed emptiness (a small blessing as I didn't need a D&C). Broken expectations broke my heart.

I went back to work one week later. I sent a mass text to everyone who had been praying for me that week because I was so scared.  I didn't have anything to give of myself to my patients.  How could I expect myself to function around groups of people?  Everyone wrote back with encouragements and promises that they were praying. Two that stood out were from co-workers. "I pray for His power to give you the energy to get up and care for others while giving you the love and care that you deserve in this time too. My hope is that your wonderful team on 3T (by divine appointment) will compensate and uplift you without even realizing the help they give."

As the days passed on, it became a little easier to smile and a little easier to think about other things. Life started to look more normal. I held a meeting for women's ministries at my home. I went to the grocery store and cleaned the house. But what surprised me was the guilt I was feeling in those moments.  You don't have to tell me I shouldn't feel guilty. I know. But I felt bad for having moments where I wasn't thinking about my baby, where I was joyful, where life was moving on.  I felt like I was forgetting my baby. Honestly, this part just took time.  

As I began to heal, I found a song "Psalm 13" by Nate Hale "I want to look life in the eye. I'm tired of falling down on my face. I'm throwing myself into Your loving arms and now it's time to celebrate Your rescue." The process was far from done but I was seeing evidences of my rescue. 

I now, 2 months later, find myself basically where I was a year ago. Fighting the temptation to yell "It isn't fair!" But in those moments, I choose to battle the thoughts with who I know God to be.  As cliche as it sounds, He truly does have what is best even if it hurts. I am wrestling with the same emotions of striving for contentment and longing for something I don't have.  The same songs make me cry at church.  Did the last six months really happen?

I continue to have really hard moments.  When a patient or stranger asks "Do you have kids?" my heart skips a beat.  Nate and I believe we ARE mom and dad. It is not a title that gets taken away. We have chosen to answer with "Yes I have one with Jesus." This is so hard guys. People are usually just making casual conversation and totally not ready for that answer but to say no to me feels like I am denying what is true.  The response is usually a solemn "I'm sorry" but I can tell them honestly with a smile that "It isn't a bad place to be." I have thrown a baby shower and had a dear friend tell me she is pregnant.  By God's grace, those moments have been filled with joy.  Yes, I have had to process them and its not 100% easy. But hooray they are getting babies!!! And those babies are going to be in my life to love. I have prayed for those little ones so fervently because of my loss.

So today, I can stand proudly and say "Because I chose to rest on God's promises, He is healing my heart. I trust Him with my past hurt, present steps and questions and future uncertainties. Praise God!"

Although it has been very therapeutic to write this blog post, that isn't the purpose behind it. I wrote this that you may see who God is and that He is faithful. I wrote this so you might be able to love someone who has lost their baby (or really anyone hurting) a little bit better. 

If you don't know how you would make it through a tragedy, if you don't know God who is able to heal and restore you., emotionally and physically and spiritually, if you don't have a church that walks through thick and thin with you, you're missing out. Because for me, that was all I had!

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