Pregnancy loss is something that a lot of people talk about even though it affects 1 in 4 pregnancies.
I want to share with you my story. I want to share the story of my baby.
In August 2013, Nate and I decided we wanted to be open to starting a family. He had finished school, we had paid off debt, we felt this was the right time. After a few months of not NOT trying, my heart changed from panicked to longing for a baby. After six months, my heart began to ache and cry out that God would provide the desires of our hearts. The following year my prayers were "Jesus I want you to be enough" "How can I be content and long for something I don't have?" It was a year of learning that it is ok to grieve and hurt, but let God be my comfort and strength. It was a year of tears as I sang songs in church about being strengthened in waiting and God's control, desperately wanting my heart to be satisfied. The year was full of joys as well, weddings and friends babies.
In January 2015, we had just moved into a house and neighborhood we just adored. I remember walking to church and telling Nate I was giddy happy and felt overwhelmingly blessed. That morning, a dear friend shared that she was pregnant. I found myself struggling with contentment. And after a year of learning to be ok in grief, I decided my situation had not changed. I chose to continue to reflect on the blessings I had just been delighted and satisfied in an hour prior. Over the next few months, I studied Philippians, a book in the Bible that emphasizes, "It is not about me and my circumstance, it is about Jesus" In April 2015, I realized my heart had changed. I was able to reflect on God's blessings each month (my 30th birthday party, our trip to Germany) when I was tempted to crumble. I had reached a place of true contentment.
One of my biggest joys during this time was being Auntie Jana. I can't explain how my heart feels when one of my friend's little ones falls asleep in my arms or runs down the driveway to wrap their arms around my legs. April 26, we heard a sermon about God's rescue mission. The speaker had adopted several kids and challenged us to consider a sacrificial lifestyle to promote the gospel and rescue people for the Kingdom. We were encouraged that His instruction can sometimes be vague. That night as we ate dinner we talked about how we wanted to apply this. A little background, we had always said "plan B: if we can't get pregnant, then we will adopt." But something changed. We both claimed that night we felt God leading us to adopt. I knew I had the heart to love a child with everything I had that was not mine biologically. We knew God has a heart for the orphan and has adopted us into His eternal family. He has called His children to take up this cause and reflect Him to the world. We knew pretty quick adoption was no longer our plan B. We felt a new sense of hope being able to see a glimpse of a child in our future. We shared with some close friends to be praying with us as we explored agencies and next steps. On Father's Day weekend, we told our families by giving our dads "Adopted for Life," a book we had been reading as we prepared our hearts for this new decision and adventure and calling. We actually had someone say "its like you are revealing you're pregnant." Everyone was overjoyed at the thought of us pursuing a child through adoption and for that we were again so blessed.
One week after telling our families *bum bum buuum*
we found out we were pregnant.
I'm sure I am not the only one to take a test twice but I really didn't believe it. I was shaky and crying as I handed Nate the summer bucket list I had JUST made. It's so sloppy but I was in a hurry.
Some of his first responses after I pointed out the boxes were checked off were
"what? what? are you serious? WHAT? when did you find out? Do you want to take it again? We did it! How does this work? You mean I was a dad on Father's Day and you didn't tell me?"
We were on cloud 9! I went and got him a belated Father's Day gift (and even lied to my friends about who it was for) because I couldn't think of a better person to be my baby's dad.
If you know me at all, you won't be surprised that I couldn't wait to celebrate my baby with all the creativity I could muster up.
We decided that we did not want to wait to begin telling people. We wanted community next to us in celebration or if anything unexpected happened. That is what they are there for. So a week later we had our parents over for a "watch the US Women's Soccer World Cup BBQ." When Nate prayed for our meal, he told my mom he made her something for her birthday and it was cooling off in the oven. A bun...in the oven...with a sign that said "Bake @ 98.6 for 9 months"
We made them signs that said "The best parents get promoted to grandparents" and made them hide it away until we would give them permission to share. I think it was near unbearable for the them not to spill the beans but they did a good job.
I put the same amount of creativity into almost each person or group we told.
These are some of those special moments.
I was feeling great. No morning sickness, extreme fatigue, nothin! So when we went for our ultrasound I kept telling Nate "I need to see this is real." I had a true fear that they would do the ultrasound and say "actually you aren't pregnant." But with not further ado....
Baby Burton
I saw the heart fluttering on my 3mm child! Oh my journal was filled with praises to the Lord for giving me something I had begun to think I would never have. I meditated on Psalm 139 over and over thanking Him for making that heart beat and those cells replicate. In awe of a human life being designed within me. Only God!
Everything I did I was thinking of my baby, like every mom. There were firsts like disneyland and races and fireworks that I celebrated.
We dreamed of "next year at this time"s. We began reorganizing. Nate started researching a family car. I started using anti-stretchmark cream and stressing about everything I ate. I spent way too much time on pinterest looking at maternity outfits and cribs, planning a gender reveal party, and even looking at hospital bag lists.
One of the things I was most looking forward to during pregnancy was bump pictures. My friend Stacy took me shopping to find a dress that would last and show my growing baby perfectly. I found an app and had my photographer friend Bethany help me begin my weekly blog photos.
I want to share with you my 10 week blog post
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10 WEEKS
God this tiny miracle the size of a prune is such an honor
to be a part of. Even now I need your mommy grace as I am finding I stress
about what I eat and how much I need to exercise. Lord grow me into a mom who is wise and loves my child the
way you love my child. May I find rest and peace knowing again that it is you
who has created all things, including the little arms and legs on Baby Burton.
This week I pray for my baby's brain development. I pray
that my baby will develop a healthy, intelligent brain. Lord, help me teach my
baby to memorize Scriptures, and may my baby’s memory implant those on their
heart forever. May my child be blessed with a healthy mind, to be used for Your
glory.
In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
Verse: Colossians 1:16-17 For by him all things were
created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones
or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him.
He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
How far along? (size) 10 weeks. Size of a prune
Total weight gain: 2lb on my scale; 4 on Dr. scale
Stretch marks: nope, using the cream daily
Sleep: still no
bueno, trying to squeeze in naps
Best moments this week: taking reveal pictures with Scott.
Soon the world will know!
Missing anything? Soft cheeses
Anything making you sick or queasy? nope
Symptoms: just weight gain but I’ve been eating bad too
Belly button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off: on
Exercise: ran a couple times this week. Cut my distance in half.
Mood: stable, so many “other” things I’m thinking about that
sometimes make me forget I’m pregnant
Looking forward to: ultrasound next Tuesday
Labor signs: ha!
Random: I’m slightly anemic despite prenatals having 183% of
daily iron value. Its hard to get extra iron, protein, fiber, fruits, veggies,
all under my calorie limit.
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I could not wait to share my baby with the whole world! God had given us one of the greatest gifts!
We had an ultrasound scheduled for August 18 and then planned to post these pictures.
(photo credit: Scott Burton)
Our hearts were so full. But everything got turned upside down August 15th.
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